Shinzon's Escapades
by ZitaGal
Summary: Shinzon decides to conquer B5; these are his adventures while trying
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: None of the characters in this story are mine or do I claim to have any right over them, except the characters Barby, Jeanna, Nat/Natalia, Nad/Nadine, Lalaith, Claudia, and all others that I not characters from film or TV, as these are friends who have endured my stories and don't mind being included in them. 

I write this parody with the utmost respect for any actor's work and I do not mean any offence or to belittle their work, it is just a bit of fun.

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_Since his escapades with Troi, Shinzon has a thing for telepaths and he knows there are some in Babylon 5, plus he always wanted to see a Vorlon. But to get to Babylon 5 he has to take command of the Stargate and the charming SG1 whom are being investigated by Fox Mulder; Mulder thinks they're hiding little green men though Scully told him that Teal'c is neither green nor small!!! On the way Shinzon stops at Sunnydale looking for a petrol station (gosh! this Scimitar surely takes a lot of gas) and just happens to see Buffy who is arguing with Angel (again!) about who's turn it is to die and come back again in the next series. _

_It is a sunny day in Sunnydale:_

**Buffy:** Look, it must be your turn… remember that small thingy of coming back from the dead performed by Willow ON ME??? Gees, you vamps are dumb!

**Angel:** Excuse me! No need for that. And anyway YOU forgetting that little episode, well actually not that little, when I went through the portal? Huh? Huh?

**Buffy: **Angel… you didn't die! 

**Angel: **I know… but I could've… so I think it should count.

**Buffy:** Look… (_she is interrupted by the arrival of Mighty Praetor Shinzon_)

**Shinzon:** Excuse me… but would you be so kind as to direct me to the nearest petrol station? _Then says to himself:_ damn, I forgot… THE PRIME DIRECTIVE… no contact with substandard aliens… must retreat… must wipe their minds of my pre… PICARD I told you before GET OFF MY F*****G HEAD… (_composing himself, Shinzon continues_)

**Shinzon:** Yes… as I was saying… nearest petrol station? 

**Buffy:** Hey! Hey! Baldy… I don't know if you noticed but we having a private conversation here???

**Shinzon:** WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?****

**Buffy:** Baldy! Got a problem with that???

**Shinzon:** Well… I must say… don't you think it is a tad rude? I mean, it is not one's fault if one loses one's hair due to an unfortunate scalp condition that one got from one's original copy, don't you know.

**Angel:** ones copy… cloths ones… condition… err… what??? Hey, what kind of language is that? You're foreign or somthing?

**Buffy:** It's OK, I know what it is… he's British… juuuust liiiike Giiiiles…

**Angel:** oh! OK, that explains it… aaand the gear (_laughs sounding like pig_)

**Shinzon:** Dooo youuu knowww whooo iii ammm? (Is there some sort of echo in here? Is that you again Picard? How many times I've got to tell you, I'm the echo you're the voice… me echo… you voice… got it???) (_Dumb ass…_) (I heard that!)

**Shinzon:** ummm… anyway… where was I? Oh, yes… do you know who I am?

**Buffy:** Should I?

**Shinzon:** (_clears throat_) I am the Mighty Praetor Shinzon of Remus. Ruler of the Romulan Empire and soon of the all Universe.

**Angel:** You??? The ruler of the roman empire? (_and to himself giggling_) Told you he was foreign…

**Buffy: **Look baldy… I am busy right now otherwise I'd kick your ass and kill ya… but… it must be your lucky day… so run along like a good little demon… scrum…

**Shinzon:** (_turning to Angel_) Is she always like this?

**Angel: **Yea! Hot isn't she?

**Shinzon: **Look here girlie, no one I say no one talks to Mighty Praetor Shinzon in that manner. I will have to teach you a lesson…

**Buffy: **And I will have to kill you!

**Shinzon:** Hey! Hey! I was only going to put you across my knee and smack your bottom… 

**Angel:** Can I have my bottom smacked as well? Can I? Can I? (_jumps up and down full of excitement_)

**Buffy& Shinzon: **Shut up Angel!!!

**Buffy:** Right! Lets get this over with cuz I'm getting just a little fed up with you two…****

**Angel: **hey, I ain't done nothing…****

**Buffy& Shinzon: **Shut up Angel!!!

**Angel: **hey, why do I have to shut up and baldy here can talk, huh? huh?

(_Buffy, now reeeeally pissed off, sticks a spike in Angel_)

**Buffy: **Now look what you made me do baldy! I've killed my boyfriend! I am so, so gona kill you now!

**Shinzon:** oh! Came on, you so much better off without him. So pale and the black… pha! So not this year's colour…

**Buffy:** Look baldy! I kill demons, you're a demon I kill you.

**Shinzon:** Look girlie, I'm not a demon, I'm human, I mean I'm Reman, no, no I'm human… arg! c*ap… all this sh*t of being touched by my Vice-Roy… I'm all confused… I got it: I'm human

**Buffy:** No you not!

**Shinzon:** What? Yes I am 

**Buffy:** No you not!

**Shinzon:** Yes I am

**Buffy:** NO YOU NOT!

**Shinzon:** YES I AM! YES I AM! YES I AM! 

**Buffy:** Look, you're bad, a villain… so you must be a demon. Got it???

**Shinzon:** Look lovey! I don't know where you coming from but I'm telling you I AM 

A HUMAN, want to look to see I'm right?

**Buffy:** What do you mean want to look? Want to look where?

**Shinzon:** Down my pants. Well that is if I can ever get this blasted suit off… had same problem with Troi… poor girl, by the time I got it down to the waist she had grown tired and married Riker… she doesn't know what she is missing… well do you want to look or not?

**Buffy:** Oh, please… I had sex with Spike I've seen it all, thanks very much… 

**Shinzon:** Then quit calling me a demon little girlie!!! Or I'll have to call my Vice-

Roy and he'll teach you a lesson.

**Buffy:** (_mocking voice_) ahhh! Poor little demon Shinzon has to call his Vice-Roy to come and fight a girlie for him, does he???

**Shinzon:** Thats it, I've had enough! I'm leaving! Vice-Roy, beam me up. (before disappearing in a beam of light sticks tongue out to Buffy)

**Buffy:** phew, demons go figure!


	2. Chapter 2

_Back on his ship the Scimitar, Shinzon is met on the bridge by his Vice-Roy holding an ancient staff…_

**Shinzon:** That girlie… impossible… nearly taught her a lesson… (_then, bending in agony…_) arrrgggg!

(_Vice-Roy's hand starts moving towards Shinzon as to help him_)

**Shinzon:** It's ok, it's ok its just indigestion… (_Vice-Roy looks disappointed_) …I'm starting to think that you enjoy this touching thing a little bit too much… ummm?… perhaps one's hands should be kept on one's staff???… ummm???

**Vice-Roy: **Sire, do not forget our mission… 

**Shinzon:** Don't try to change the subject… but you right we must proceed… what's next?

**Vice-Roy: **Sire, I have been studying the information downloaded from the Enterprise and it appears we going to need a wormhole…

**Shinzon:** Not familiar… explain…

**Vice-Roy:** A wormhole is like a tunnel that bends…bla, bla, (_Shinzon catches his reflection on one of the shiny metals panels_) 

**Shinzon:** (_thinking to himself_) God, I look gorgeous in this uniform, maybe just a little bit tight around the crouch… not allowing for my full assets to show through… and the bald head… love it… really shows up my eyes… don't know about the cape though… maybe a bit over the top… keep falling down the stairs…

**Vice-Roy: ** …bla, bla, and so we can travel through it.

**Shinzon:** Great… where do we find one of those?

**Vice-Roy: **Well Sire… there is a man who may hold the answer… we picked him up as we were crossing the neutral zone… 

**Shinzon:** VR, how many times do I have to tell you to stop picking up strange man in the neutral zone? 

**Vice-Roy: **Well Sire, he was adrift unconscious inside his module… we put him in a cell and he started talking about wormholes and wonders that he had seen… I though he may become useful…

**Shinzon:** Ok, I'll overlook it this time… where is this man?

**Vice-Roy: **Still in his cell, sire…

**Shinzon:** Now go… fetch him…

(_Shinzon seats at the command chair, lost in deep thought…_)

**Shinzon:** Man… could murder a Red Bull right now… and a ciggy… (_then out loud to replicator_) tea… hot…

(_Vice-Roy returns with a man that seems to be constantly inebriated_)

**Shinzon:** oh! Look… another one into black… and leather…

**Crichton:** Hey, man… how's things? I'm Crichton, astronaut, Earth and into leather… man, great threads… love the colour… 

**Shinzon:** (_pretending surprise and smiling_) What… this old thing? Yes, the colour is good isn't it? A bit tight around the front… you know… not showing my full potential…oh, and it comes with this beautiful little dagger as well… very important to accessorize… soooo… you into leather as well, yeah?

**Crichton:** Couldn't be without it man, just love it, and my chick loves it too…

**Shinzon:** You keep chickens?

**Crichton: **No man, my chick, my gal, my bit of crumpet… 

**Shinzon:** ha, yes. A bit short on the more colourful vocabulary… not really Picard's scene… more into old artefacts and going around in a wheelchair with a colander on his head… 

**Crichton:** yup! Know the type… got them back on Earth as well…

**Shinzon:** umm… I don't know how to say this… but… you are on Earth…

**Crichton: **That's impossible! Who are you? Are you Peacekeeper? What have you done to Aeryon? Pilot? HELLO, Pilot? U'R THERE? Chiana? D'Argo? Guys? We have a situation here… could do with some help… sh*t… is anyone out there? Oh, man, don't tell me this is going to be one of those episodes I spend talking to myself and wondering in a daze on Earth in ridiculous clothes laying on the beach… can't stand that, man… dudes get your buts out here… RIGHT NOW!… Scorpy? Was that you? Scorpy, u're there?

**Shinzon:** Are you feeling OK? Cup of Earl Grey perhaps? 

**Crichton: **(_says spiting and out of breath and stumbling a lot, holding his head_) What have you done to my friends? Where are they? Who are you, Scarran? Peacekeeper? Did Grayza send you? Frell, that chick can't take no for an answer… hot though… but don't tell Aeryon… she'd kill me…

(_at this moment the Vice-Roy comes in and turns to Shinzon_)

**Vice-Roy: ** Shall I try to calm him down, sire?

**Shinzon:** Yyyyes, please…. I can feel a migraine coming on…

(_the Vice-Roy wallops Crichton on the head with his staff and Crichton falls to the floor_)

**Shinzon:** (_turning rather purple with rage_) What the f*ck… VR have you gone completely insane… you've killed him… couldn't you've just restrained him… gently…

**Vice-Roy: ** What can I say; we're a race bred for war… I don't do gentle…__

**Shinzon:** Now, what do we do?

**Vice-Roy: ** I think he still breathes… although you never know with these humans… strange, peculiar, smooth skin, very unattractive…

**Shinzon:** _cough_… excuse me… human… still here… your Mighty Praetor…

**Vice-Roy: ** oh yes, forgive me, Praetor… 

**Shinzon:** yeah… anyway, what we going to do? He knows about wormholes and I need a wormhole so I need him… try to bring around…

**Vice-Roy: ** I think he's hurt sire… I think he needs a doctor…

**Shinzon:** …and who's fault is that…umm? There's only one thing for it… we have to go to Starfleet Academy and get Beverly Crusher… the woman is a pain with her infatuation of Picard and now me… but she does know her business and I'm sure she can help us… and who knows, Troi maybe around… or that hottie Seven of Nine…__

**Shinzon:** Set course to Starfleet Academy!

**Unnamed extra at control:** Course set, Praetor…

**Shinzon:** Make it so!


	3. Chapter 3

Some time later… about 2.5 seconds, the Scimitar arrives at the Starfleet Academy. They start scanning for life forms… 

**Unnamed extra on bridge:** Praetor, we located Dr. Crusher.

**Shinzon:** …and Seven of Nine?

**Unnamed extra on bridge:** I am sorry Praetor, nothing…

**Shinzon:** …Troi?

**Unnamed extra on bridge: **Nothing sire…

**Shinzon:** ah, well… can't have everything…

**Unnamed extra on bridge: **Sire, we do have B'Elanna Torres…

**Shinzon:** nah! Klingons too rough… I'm feeling a bit delicate today… I don't think I could take that much head grabbing by VR… ok lets get it over with… the less time I spend with that woman the better… activate transporter!

(Beverly, standing on the transporter platform looks at Shinzon with surprise and shock)

**Beverly: **Why did you bring me here?

**Shinzon:** I was lonely…

**Beverly: **oooooh, really????

**Shinzon:** oh, please… you worse than Picard… can't you tell sarcasm when you see it?

**Beverly: **aw…. 

**Shinzon:** I have a problem I want you to help me with it…

**Beverly: **(_quickly building up her hopes again and formulating a cunning plan_) Well, is going to cost you… (_smiling with anticipation_)

**Shinzon:** _(looking rather fed up)_ Ok, lets play the game… what do you want? _(and to himself)_ … as if I need to ask…

**Beverly: **For starters, how about a kiss? Come on, bring those juicy, delicious lips to Bev… (_at the same time she closes her eyes and puckers up her lips_)

Shinzon signals his Vice-Roy, who moves close to Beverly and starts kissing her, Beverly believing he is Shinzon, puts her arms around his neck and her hands look for the beautifully smooth head of Shinzon. Realising that is not she opens her eyes to see the face of the Vice-Roy.

**Beverly: **arrrgggg!!!! _(spit, spit, spit)_ you sick bastard… you need f*$@#*k help… your deranged son of a bi@#h…

**Shinzon:** (_falling on his knees laughing_) oh please stop… I can't laugh with this costume on… oh no more… oh that was so funny… (_wipes tears_)… oh I got a pain… (_laughs some more_)

Beverly starts to calm down a bit and Shinzon laughter dies down

**Shinzon:** ok (_still wiping tears_), now that we all had fun… lets get to important matters… Beverly, it's very simple… you help me save a man life and I don't kill Picard… got it?

**Beverly: **You can't kill Picard… you need his blood to survive… oops! I've said too much, sh#t…

**Shinzon:** Ssso… I need Picard's blood do I? Come on, tell me the whole story…

**Beverly: **No!

**Shinzon:** Do you want VR to kiss you again, umm? And perhaps show you the Reman ways? Or would you like to try his staff?

**Beverly: **ok, ok, I'll tell you.

**Shinzon:** ah, good girl… 

**Beverly: **There's a bla, bla, bla….. and you need all of Picard's blood

**Shinzon:** Can it be synthesized? 

**Beverly: **No!

**Shinzon:** Are you sure?

**Beverly: **Well… there maybe a way… but if you…

**Shinzon:** Don't even think it _(interrupts quickly Shinzon)_

**Beverly: **aw… ok… gees, no need to get all worked up about it… (_mutters to self_) Troi's little puppy… 

**Shinzon:** Waiting… don't have all day… universe to conquer…

**Beverly: **If you take a sample of each of the Captains _(Kirk, Picard, Sisko and Janeway)_ you can then formulate a plasma that you can inject and will cure you. (_ok, ok, guys, I know, I know …lame… but work with me here…_)

**Shinzon:** Ok, then… so all I have to do is to get the four captains and take a sample of their blood (o_h, this is killing me here… no, really, oh, man… I'm dying here…_)… and synthesize a plasma.

**Beverly: **Yes!

**Shinzon:** Very well, now the little matter of your patient

Crichton is brought in. Beverly kneels down beside him and scans his body. 

**Beverly: **This man is suffering from concussion. What did you do to him, Shinzon?

**Shinzon:** VR got a little bit too excited with his staff…

**Beverly: **I need to get him to sick bay… run some tests… 

**Shinzon:** But you just said all he's got is concussion!

**Beverly: **Well… I just want to be sure… you never know with these cases… there can be complications…

**Shinzon:** Beverly, stop trying to be cleverer than me… and to have more lines… and just tell me what to do…

**Beverly: **Put some ice on his head and let him rest… oh yeah, and he probably will throw up… _(Crichton heaves all over the floor)_… there, told you…

**Shinzon:** Ok, send her back…

**Beverly: **Wait, wait…

(Shinzon waves the unnamed extra controlling the transporter to stop)

**Beverly: **Just a little one, pleeeeeeeeease… 

**Shinzon:** VR….

**Beverly: **Ok, ok I'm going… villains, go figure!


	4. Chapter 4

_Having found out that he needs the blood of the four captains, Shinzon sets off in their search. We join him together with his Vice-Roy on the bridge of the Scimitar._

**Shinzon:** VR, have you found out yet where all the captains are?

**Vice-Roy: **We know that Captain Janeway is still in the delta quadrant, Captain Kirk in the Nexus, Captain Sisko in DS9 and Picard seems to have taken up amateur dramatics in his spare time and is in some local play… I think it is about some large men, is called the X-Men.

**Shinzon:** This Nexus sounds intriguing… have we any further information?

**Vice-Roy: **No, sire… only that you need a portal to get to it…

**Shinzon:** If is not wormholes is portals or jump gates … why are these sci-fi writers so obsessed with gadgets??? I take it you know where to find this portal?

**Vice-Roy: **It appears that there is one in LA, sire… my informants tell me that a vampire with a soul knows where it is and will be able to guide us there…

**Shinzon:** A vampire with a soul? This is getting stranger and stranger … and I can assume you have located this vampire?

**Vice-Roy: **Well, sire we having a bit of a problem… since he is not strictly alive we cannot scan for his vitals… 

**Shinzon:** (_sounding rather bored_) What do we do then?

**Vice-Roy: **I suggest we send an away team to the surface to look for him…

**Shinzon:** (_still sounding rather bored_) Yes, yes… I know the drill… we leave anyone that is not important on the Scimitar and everyone that is important goes down to the thick of danger, yada… yada… lets get on with it then…

**Vice-Roy: **Sire, may I suggest you change into something a bit more… loose? Perhaps to better mingle with the crowds?

**Shinzon:** What about you?

**Vice-Roy: **I'll wear a hat!

**Shinzon:** Oh, alright then… I think it needs a wash anyway…

Standing on the transporter platform, Shinzon now in his tight black leather trousers, white shirt half open showing his muscular chest, instructs unnamed extra controlling the transporter to beam them down.

**Shinzon:** oooohh… very nice… I actually can turn my head without breaking my neck… and I can look down onto my feet… ooohhh and I can bend and twist without anaesthetic… (_catching his image on a shop window glass_) wow these pants definitely show my better assets… chihuahua!

**Vice-Roy: **Sire, shouldn't we be looking for the vampire?

**Shinzon:** You can be such a spoil sport VR… you really need to learn how to loosen up a bit… maybe you should've had some of these pants as well… 

**Vice-Roy: **Sire, we are reading something up ahead… it is the vampire!

**Shinzon:** I though you couldn't scan him?

**Vice-Roy: **emm.. before we transported I downloaded an upgrade from the internet… 

**Shinzon:** VR I'm starting to think that this all a plot for you to see me in hot leather trousers…

**Vice-Roy: **Certainly not, sire… (_and to himself_) hehehehe

**Shinzon:** Lets go and fetch this vampire then…

Following the scanner (upgrade v6785.234a) signal they reach a bar on a side street. The sound of someone attempting to sing flows from inside. Upon entering the bar they are greeted by a green chap showing a few protrusions upon his face.

**Lorne:** Welcome travellers, welcome to my bar… have you come for a reading or just fun?

**Shinzon:** (_intrigued_) Is this a bar or a book club?

**Lorne:** No, precious (_Frodo is that you? Golem? What?? Oh sorry flashback_) when I mean a reading I mean you sing and I read your aura, you know sort of like palm reading…

Vice-Roy starts laughing, Shinzon looks at him angrily

**Shinzon:** What you laughing at?

**Vice-Roy: **The image of you up there singing and him reading your aura, ah!ah!ah! (_Shinzon grows more and more angry with him and wallops him one_)

**Lorne:** Come on sweet nibbles, what you gona sing then? 'Sex Bomb' 'Did it My Way'?

**Shinzon:** I did not come here to sing (_quickly turns to VR who is trying very hard not to laugh_) we are looking for a vampire with a soul…

**Lorne:** Oh cupcakes, there is only one vampire with a soul and he is right there on stage singing his poor little heart out… well attempting to sing anyway… his name is Angel, fruitcake…

**Vice-Roy: **What kind of a name is Angel Fruitcake?

**Lorne:** Oh no, no fruity pie his name is Angel just Angel…

**Vice-Roy: **Are you sure you a bar owner and not a baker?

**Shinzon:** Enough already! VR got and fetch the vampire.

(_VR comes back you the vampire_)

**Shinzon:** I have seen you before… let me think… I definitely remember you… don't tell me, don't tell me…

**Angel:** With Buffy… you saw me with Buffy…

**Shinzon:** No, no that's not it… give me a second here and I'll remember…

**Angel:** You did… you saw me with Buffy…

**Shinzon:** I remember now… you were with that extremely rude girlie… the one with the spike… Buffy!

(_Angel looking slightly annoyed is about to speak when is interrupted by the Vice-Roy_)

**Vice-Roy: **Don't bother, does it to me all the time…

**Shinzon:** I though girlie had killed you?

**Angel:** She did the bitch, but the Powers At Be glued me back together and sent me back… something about a prophesy and destiny… and saviour of the world… and defender of the….

**Shinzon:** yes, yes, yes good on you… well, Mr. Angelo I'm here because you know of a portal that transports you to the Nexus… and I need to know here it is!

**Angel:** Fancy a holiday then, eheh (_laughter like pig sound_)

**Shinzon:** Holiday? I though the Nexus was very dangerous and perilous… and you couldn't leave… and if you did you would go mad trying to got back?

**Angel:** (_smirking_) Naaaa, that's what they say to keep the riffraff out… (_laughter like pig sound_) all you do is say 'Take me back' and hey presto there you are back again!

**Shinzon:** So, one can just go in and out of the Nexus, just like that?

**Angel:** Yup… just like that…

**Shinzon:** So how do I get in?

**Angel:** Ha… that is altogether another thing…

**Shinzon:** I though I just had to go through the portal?

**Angel:** oh, ye… but you have to take all of your clothes off…

**Shinzon:** D'ho


End file.
